"Would you like to hear a audio tour? Only $5!"

"Why do you always sit in the last row?"

"That way, if it gets boring, I can disappear without a trace."

"The core air pressure has gotten past the safe point. Everyone run before she blows!"

The media's only telling half the story!

"Oh, no. I'm going to be late. I forgot that it's tar day!"

What is tar day, you ask? Well, it's the day when they cover the streets in tar. No one knows why they do it, but it makes walking or driving anywhere a very slow ordeal.

After trudging through the tar all day, the man finally made it to his office quite late. In fact, it was late in the afternoon when he arrived.

"You see, for me tracking is a way of life." the man explained to his guests on the hike. "You see, I can tell from this footprint here..." he crouched to the ground, touched the footprint, and then touched the dirt on his finger to his tongue, "...that whatever made this is way off by now." the man said with satisfaction.

"But, sir..." said a little boy in the group, "...that's your footprint!"

The man looked more intently at the footprint. "You're right, son. I was way off!"

A woman was praying to a god to restore her lost sense of smell. "Oh, Lord," she prayed, "please let me smell all the smells of your creation again."

By some miracle, her sense of smell returned. For a brief moment, she was overjoyed, but that didn't last long. "Oh, Lord!" she said, "What is that smell!?" The return of the woman's sense of smell wasn't a blessing at all. She'd found a very cheap apartment next to a dump, and she was in a lease there for the next 5 years.

"Oh, Lord! Please take away my sense of smell!"

"Look, I know that you like miniature golf and soccer, but you can't combine the two. For the last time, you're not allowed to use your leg and foot as a putter!"

"I'll have some more o' the purple drink!" The man slurred his speech and hiccuped.

"Do you mean the chicha morada? OK, I'll give you some 'more o' the' chicha morada, but only if you agree to stop acting drunk. It's made from purple corn, but it's not fermented or alcoholic, so cut it out!"

Do you want to know the secret to good lentils? Slow cooking. That's right, you can't rush making lentils. They like to take their time. And when you mix them, do it nice and slow.