|# of links in review||0|
|# of reviews||0|
“Honey, I have a plan for our next vacation. My friend told me about a lovely little place called Pebble Town. He said that the golfing is great and that there’s plenty of shopping for you.”
“I don’t know…” the man’s wife replied. But she knew she wouldn’t be able to change her husband’s mind.
When they drove into town, the paved highway turned into a road made out of pebbles.
“This is strange,” said the husband, “It must be a smaller town than I thought.
As they drove along they noticed pebble formations along the side of the pebble road. But it wasn’t long before they noticed that these weren’t just mere pebble formations: they had mailboxes next to them! The entire town was built out of pebbles.
Well, the man got his golfing alright, but instead of golf balls they used pebbles. And for the woman, the shops in town sold nothing but all sorts of decorated pebbles.
The Alaskan sky was glorious the night Lucas’s flight arrived. His girlfriend Tracy was there to meet him at the airport.
The Northern Lights were putting on a grand show. Lucas found her staring up at the Northern Lights. “There is a river up above us, Lucas. Isn’t it beautiful?”
Lucas considered explaining the science behind the phenomenon but stopped himself; she must just be being poetic.
“Imagine paddling on a river so high up above the ground. Would you do that with me, Lucas?”
“I don’t have a canoe.”
“Oh. Would you want to if we had one?”
“Sure. That would be fun.”
The next day when Lucas went to Tracy’s house he saw a canoe in the driveway. “I bought a canoe, Lucas! Now we can go canoe on the river above us. Aren’t you excited!?”
Lucas looked on in disbelief. Surely the woman he loved couldn’t be this dumb…
Selene loved her boyfriend Alec very much and felt like she had finally found the one. However, he had a habit that bugged her. He would nod at nothing sometimes.
At first she thought he just wasn’t paying attention when she talked to him. Maybe the nod was his way of pretending to listen. But then one day as she was getting dressed she decided to test him.
“Honey, does this dress make me look fat?” she asked.
Alec began to nod his head and replied, “No. Of course not.”
“Then why did you nod? A nod means yes!” she said.
“It means nothing of the sort. Don’t be silly, Selene.” said Alec.
This was the breaking point for Selene. She loved Alec, but she couldn’t imagine living with someone who didn’t care about her anymore. She broke up with him right then and there.
But poor Alec had done nothing wrong. His habitual nod was a genetic tic he had inherited. There was nothing he could do to control it.
A foreign man had fallen madly in love with a girl but lacked the ability to say how he felt.
“What to say, what to say, to convey my desire for her?” he thought to himself desperately.
He struggled for weeks but never got up the guts to say what he really desired. Finally, he decided it was now or never and he made his move.
“I desire to say something to you.” he said.
“OK.” replied the girl simply.
“Your hair belongs in a museum.” the man said. He paused waiting for a reaction and then continued. “What I mean to say is that you’re pretty enough to be a prostitute in Amsterdam.” The man hesitated. “You have strong blue eyes like a Viking.”
The girl looked on with a mixed expression. This was not the face of desire he was expecting to see from her. Damn it! It was so difficult to say what he desired to say in this language!
“Hear ye, hear ye! There is a dragon in the well! Hear ye, hear ye.” yelled the town crier.
The villagers rushed to the well but found it to be empty of anything except water.
“That crier is crazy. We shouldn’t believe him.” said a villager.
“Hear ye, hear ye! There’s ogres in the woods! Hear ye, hear ye!” yelled the crier.
The villagers had enough of the crier and decided not to believe him anymore.
Later that night, the village was attacked by ogres and a dragon flew out of the well and burned down the castle. The town crier walked through the town ringing his bell and calling out: “Hear ye, hear ye, young maidens, the town crier is really good in the sack!”
It was career day at school, and all the children were required to select a career to observe and write a report about. Stacy couldn’t decide what career she wanted to focus on.
“How about nursing?” someone suggested.
“That’s the worst career ever. Blood and bedpans and needles. What would possess someone to want a career like that?” Stacy wondered.
“What about hairdressing? My mom is a hairdresser.” suggested another kid.
“What a career! On your feet all day, feeling through the greasy hair of strangers, having to touch their scalps. And have you ever smelled a perm? Smells like brimstone! Why would anyone want a career like that?”
“Well, OK, miss smarty pants, which career do you want?” asked the kids.
“I want to be a career criminal.” she said nonchalantly.
The class was silent for a moment before one boy spoke up. “Is that a real career?” And then another shouted “I want to be a career criminal too!” “Me too!” shouted another.
There once was a lazy little rabbit who ignored his mother’s advice and sneaked into the cabbage patch of the nearby farm. He nibbled on the heads of cabbage there delighted by their deliciousness. Being a lazy little rabbit, after he had eaten far too much cabbage, he decided to just sleep right there in the cabbage patch.
The next morning the farmer caught the lazy little rabbit by the ears. “How dare you eat the heads of my cabbage!” But the lazy little rabbit wiggled free of the farmer and ran home. So the farmer bought a potion from the local witch and sprinkled it on the cabbage.
The lazy little rabbit hadn’t learned his lesson. He sneaked into the cabbage patch again and nibbled on the heads of cabbage. This time though he ran home before the sun came up. But it was too late for the little rabbit; the magic in the potion on the cabbage was taking effect. Overnight his little rabbit head swelled and turned green. By the morning his head had turned into cabbage!
If that wasn’t bad enough, all of his brothers and sisters couldn’t resist such a nice piece of cabbage in their rabbit hole. All of them surrounded him and began chewing on his head. The poor little bunny had no mouth with which to cry out and stop them. After minutes of excited crunching they had finally finished. The little rabbit’s headless body lay there lifeless.
“We’re not in Kansas anymore!” exclaimed Dorothy, holding Toto tightly. Oz was a strange place. All of the animals could speak there (well, all of them except for Toto).
When Dorothy and her motley crew ran into the flying monkeys who were the witch’s henchmen, they took one look at Toto and snatched him from her.
“Bring Toto back! He’s all I have left of home!” she cried. But the monkeys ignored her and flew off to the witch’s castle.
At the castle, the monkeys all crowded around Toto. They’d never seen a dog like him before.
“Toto is all!” exclaimed an old grey monkey, bowing deeply. The other monkeys followed his example. “Toto is all! Toto is all! they chanted, bowing to the little dog.
Plot twist: guess who was behind the curtain, controlling all that had happened all along? Yep, Toto. Being all powerful had corrupted him.
A small kingdom was being terrorized by a dragon, but the knights of the kingdom were all too afraid to volunteer for the mission. The princess of the land grew fed up and decided to take matters into her own hands. She sauntered up to a gardener—a broad chested fellow with strength to spare. She batted her eyelashes and said, “You know, I love a man in armor.”
That was all it took. The next day, the gardener came to call on the princess while wearing a set of armor. The king cried out in joy and announced that the kingdom had an armor-clad champion. The poor gardener was then shoved onto a horse and sent to face the dragon. It didn’t end well.
The next target of the princess was a well-built blacksmith. In the dull golden glow of the smithy the princess looked like a goddess of fire; the blacksmith never stood a chance. “You know, I love a man in armor…” But ultimately, the blacksmith met the same fate as the gardener.
Desperate, the princess selected a homely peasant next. But her charms didn’t seem to affect him the way they had the others. Deflated, she said her last line half-heartedly. “I love a man in armor.”
“How much do you love a man in armor?” came the sharp reply. “Enough to give him your hand?”
The princess nodded, thinking that perhaps he was more taken with her than he let on.
“I’ll hold you to that.”
The next day, the unattractive peasant donned heavy armor he found in the now abandoned smithy and instead of seeking the princess for her love he marched directly out to face the dragon. Mounted on the back of a horse he didn’t even own, the armor-clad champion slayed the vicious dragon.
He held the princess to her word and they married the very same day, the groom still clad in the armor. The princess figured she could perhaps come to love him; she had not been lying about her love of men in armor, after all…
A village chieftain imprisoned an old seer for being unable to pay his dues to the royal house.
“Let me go this day or tomorrow will be a day of fire for you and your household!” the seer cried.
“Remove him from my sight!” commanded the chieftain, and the seer was locked in a prison cell. But the next day the dwelling of the chieftain burst into flames. As his daughter ran past with her skirts on fire he ordered the seer brought before him in the town square.
“What form of magic told you that my household would burst into flames this day?” the chieftain demanded.
The seer simply responded with, “If you don’t release me from my bonds this day, tomorrow will be a day of death for this entire village.”
The chieftain had the seer released but banished him from the village. To this day he wanders the countryside and places curses of one sort or another on unsuspecting travelers.
Copyright 2008–2017 Chris Forno