Vic made the best burgers, period. This was ironic because Vic wasn't American at all; Vic wasn't even his real name, but he went by it because his given name was too hard for most people to pronounce, much less remember.

When Vic asked for money to start his own restaurant, his friends were quick to invest in the project because it was guaranteed to be a success. No one invested more than his roommate, Oliver, who had just come into some money from an inheritance. On opening day, however, Oliver was kicking himself.

"Where's the burgers, Vic?" he cried.

"No burgers! They're common! I've brought a recipe from my home country. It's unique and delicious! You try." he said, shoving a hot sandwich into Oliver's hands.

"It tastes funny, and the meat is hard to chew. What is it?" asked Oliver.

"It's a traditional batter dipped ear! Nothing beats a hot steaming ear to go!" said Vic.

Oliver spat the ear out violently. "Ear? Ear to go? That's your brilliant restaurant idea? It's insane!"

"It's different. People, they want different." Vic replied.

"No! People won't order an ear to go; they wouldn't order an ear for dining in, either. That's a byproduct! It's supposed to be made into pet food or thrown away or something!" said Oliver.

"Such waste!" said Vic. "My restaurant is only a drive thru, anyways. The only way to eat ear is to go; too much chew and crunch to eat sitting down somewhere. Bad date food; good soul food!"

"Hey, mister! Your sign's done. Wanna give it a look over?" asked a workman from the door. Oliver and Vic stepped outside and to Oliver's horror, a giant neon sign reading "Ear To Go" graced the top of the small building, complete with flashing ear logo.

"Dear God, how much did that cost?" whispered Oliver, more to himself than anyone else.

"Don't worry, kid. We may be out of money, but the butcher said he wouldn't charge us for ear and we have plenty of buns! Ear To Go is still in business!"

"You spent all the money on an Ear To Go sign?!?" Oliver fumed.

"You're nothing without a good brand and marketing. I've lived in America long enough to know that!" Vic replied.

No one could have predicted Ear To Go's success. With the economy in a slump and the population growing more aware of needless waste, Ear To Go offered the perfect solution: cheap, hearty meals made with ingredients that would have otherwise been thrown away. It was green, hip and affordable. Ear To Go has expanded to 16 different countries and counting. Look for an Ear To Go near you!

Little Ryan had always been a perfect angel, even during those supposedly terrible twos. The trouble began when he turned 4. It started small with little temper tantrums and messes. Ryan's antics got worse and worse, until finally his parents called in a psychiatrist to help.

"Whenever he does something bad, he says it's because Porky ordered him to. We want this "Porky" character gone from his life. You understand, don't you?" asked Ryan's father.

"The mind of a child is a complex thing, Mr. Welsh. It will take some time and patience to understand where this destructive behavior comes from." replied the psychiatrist.

"I'm not paying you big bucks for slow results. I want this taken care of immediately!" he replied. His wife agreed.

Ryan was waiting in the living room trying not to fidget. He seemed well behaved enough, but looks could be deceiving.

"Hello there, Ryan. I'm Dr. Reeves. I'm here because you and Porky have been causing some trouble lately."

Ryan sat and listened quietly but didn't reply.

"If it's alright with you, I'd like to talk about some pictures and stories your parents have given me of the things that happened because Porky told you to do something." said the doctor. He sat by the child and held up the first picture; it was a destroyed bathroom. "Can you tell me what happened here?"

"I did that!" exclaimed Ryan.

"Very good. I'm glad you're admitting to it. But why?"

"Because Porky said I'd get a new toy if I made pictures with Mommy's makeup!"

"And did you get a new toy?"

"Yes! Because Porky made me do that."

"You did? Can I see this toy?"

Ryan ran to his room and brought back a shiny train.

"You got this for playing in your mother's makeup? How?" The doctor asked.

"We went to the store and I cried for it." replied Ryan. "Porky promised because he knew it would happen."

"Okay. What about this one? When you put your father's suit on the dog?"

"I did it because Porky said I'd go to Grandma's house, and I did!"

"And this one?"

"I dumped flour all over the kitchen because Porky said I'd get pizza if I did. It was pepperoni."

"I see. And how about this one?"

"I flushed all the keys down the toilet because Porky said we wouldn't go on the trip if I did."

It quickly became clear that Porky existed because Ryan's parents were unintentionally rewarding their boy for behaving badly. When they corrected their error, "Porky" disappeared.

Selene loved her boyfriend very much and felt like she had finally found the one. However, he had a habit that bugged her. More than a little. He would nod at nothing sometimes. The nod would mean nothing to their conversation, and he would even angle his head to the side slightly as he did it. She decided that if she couldn't get to the bottom of it soon, they might have to break up. Fortunately, they had a fun weekend together planned that would give her plenty of time to observe his strange mannerism.

"Honey, does this dress make me look fat?" she asked.

Alec tipped his head to the side and began to nod. "No. Of course not."

"Then why did you nod? A nod means yes!" she replied.

"It means nothing of the sort. Don't be silly, Selene."

Selene huffed and ran back to her room to change.

Later at the nightclub they happened to run into some of Alec's old friends from school and got to talking. Alec continued to nod at nothing throughout the conversation.

"You guys planning on getting serious anytime soon? You know, like getting hitched?" the guy asked.

"No, we're not planning anything like that yet." Alec replied after a decisive nod. Selene felt slightly disappointed; the nod meant nothing, as always.

"I see you still have that nervous twitch." commented the woman.

"You've noticed that he'll nod at nothing, too?" Selene asked, excited.

"Well, I wouldn't call it a nod. But yes, who wouldn't notice that weird head movement?" the woman replied.

"Hey, pal. You still haven't told Selene? No wonder you two aren't serious yet!" the guy laughed.

A new remix started to blare over the speakers, stopping any further conversation. When they left the club, Selene demanded that Alec explain what his old friends had been talking about.

Alec turned his head slightly, and with a nod began to tell his tale. When he was in middle school, he had been dared to pay a visit to a new palm reader who had set up shop near the school. Alec had thought his friends were going with him, but they shoved him through the door at the last minute. When he finally came back out, he would nod at nothing during conversations and was never the same again.

"You see, Madame Ruby is still with me to this day. She sits on my shoulder, and acts as a guide of sorts. When I turn and nod, I'm communicating with her spirit. It only looks like nothing is there. In time, you'll become acclimated to her spirit, just as I have. You'll be able to see her sitting there instead of seeing nothing."

Selene quickly ended their relationship. It's one thing to nod at nothing; it's another thing entirely to believe a fortune teller is living on your shoulder. Alec moved on and won the lottery not once, but twice. This left Selene to wonder if there was really nothing to his story after all.

Uncle Noah, who built the great ark, had three sons: Shem, Ham and Japheth. All of them were grateful for dry land at the end of their voyage, but none more than Noah himself. The old man took to farming, and enjoyed growing grapes most of all.

One day, Noah managed to create the first batch of wine. It didn't take much to get the old man completely inebriated and before long, Noah had stripped himself naked and was partying in his tent. His son Ham happened to be walking by and saw his bare dad. Truth be told, he knew not to tell, but he did anyway.

"Shem! Shem! You won't believe what I saw! I saw our nude, bare dad dancing alone in his tent like a wild man, and that's the truth!"

"You shouldn't tell about such things, and that's the truth! You didn't see our bare dad. That's the truth, if you know what's good for you!"

Ham didn't say anything more about their bare dad to Shem.

"Japheth! I swear this is the truth! I saw our bare dad without any clothes on singing in his tent with the flap wide open, and that's the truth!"

"Geez, Ham! Don't you know that you can get cursed for talking like that? You didn't see anything. No bare dad, no singing. Now, say that's the truth!" replied Japheth.

"If you don't believe I'm telling the truth, I'll show you our bare dad! He's naked and passed out in his tent." said Ham.

Japheth knew there would be trouble if their mother found him in that state, so he and Shem covered him up without peeking.

"Our bare dad is just taking a little nap, and that's the truth. Right, boys?" asked Japheth. Only Shem agreed.

When Noah woke up covered, he knew someone knew the truth of what state he was in. When his wife knew all about the partying, he figured it had to be Ham; none of his other sons would have ratted him out like that.

"Ham, you gossiped about seeing your bare dad. Something may be truth, but that doesn't mean that it should be shared. I curse you for all eternity!" declared Noah.

"Seriously? Isn't that a bit extreme?" exclaimed Ham. "And you can't curse me, anyway. I've already been blessed!"

Noah was so mad over the truth coming out over the bare dad incident that he cursed all of Ham's descendants instead. The curse lasted up until the New Testament times.

It was career day at school, and all the children were required to select a career to observe and write a report about. Stacy couldn't decide what career she wanted to focus on.

"How about nursing?" someone suggested.

"That's the worst career ever. Blood and bedpans and needles, oh my. What would possess someone to want a career like that?" Stacy wondered.

"What about hairdressing? My mom is a hairdresser." suggested another kid.

"What a career! On your feet all day, feeling through the greasy hair of strangers, having to touch their scalps. And have you ever smelled a perm? Smells like brimstone! Why would anyone want a career like that?"

"My dad is a dentist." offered another child.

"Don't even get me started on that career! Why would anyone want that career, with all the plaque, bad breath and drool?"

"Okay, since you're so smart we can't wait to see the career you decide you want!"

When Stacy read her essay on the career she wanted, her friends were amazed, stunned and dumbfounded.

"...And that's why I want a career as an accountant."

"She made it sound like the perfect career." whispered one.

"I might want that career now!" whispered another.

There was no career that Stacy wanted more than accounting. The safety and security of numbers, with their constant and unchanging ways were all she wanted to deal with, day in and day out. Her friends could have teased her, but they didn't. To each their own.

Ralph often blamed his wife Doreen for their poor financial situation. It was a constant rub in their marriage.

“We're poor because of all the money you spend.” Ralph told her.

“I haven't bought anything unnecessary in months. We're poor because of your spending habits.” Doreen replied.

“There's nothing wrong with my spending!” said Ralph.

“We're poor because of your horrible impulse control. Did we really need a wall sized television?” she asked.

“It was on sale!” he retorted.

“We're also poor because of that car you insisted on buying.” she said.

“That car is a genuine Delorean!” he snapped.

“We're poor because of that chimp you insisted that we buy. That thing still gives me the creeps.” she said.

“He's my drinking buddy! And he's a great guard too.” said Ralph, petting the chimp lovingly. His wife tried to ignore it.

“And we're poor because of that giant foam finger you insisted on buying at auction!” Doreen said, motioning to the foam monstrosity on their mantle.

“That guy started a bidding war over it! I couldn't let him win.” Ralph explained.

“We're also poor because of those batting cages you just had to have.”

“Well. The doctor said I needed to relieve stress. Nice of you to care about my health, Doreen.”

“The doctor told you to exercise and lose some weight.”

“Close enough.”

“But more than anything else, we're poor because of the fact that you refuse to go out and get a real job.”

“My painting is a full time job. That art broker was really excited about my art.”

“The painting he was excited about wasn't made by you, it was made by the chimp!”

“Well... we're not going to tell him about that, are we?”

“You're impossible!”

Ralph and Doreen eventually split up. Ralph lives off the money from his chimp's paintings, but he's still poor because of those poor spending habits, which have not improved.

Whenever Doug was bored or nervous, all he would do was eat and eat. As a result, he was quite overweight. His girlfriend loved him, but couldn't stand his fatness any longer.

“If you continue to eat and eat, I'm out of here.” she threatened.

“I don't eat and eat! I only eat when I'm hungry, and nothing more.”

“Yeah right! I bet that you won't be able wait to eat again until dinner.”

“Dinner! You can't expect me to wait that long to eat. I'm feeling faint as it is.”

“Dinner will be done in one hour. All you ever do is eat and eat, whether you realize it or not.”

“That's not true!”

“Fine. I have an idea. Keep a food journal and I won't talk about it anymore. The only catch is that you must write down everything you put in your mouth. If this doesn't prove that you eat and eat, nothing will.”

Doug was tired of his girlfriend constantly complaining about his eating habits, so he eagerly agreed. He didn't just sit around and eat and eat anyway. The food journal would prove it.

One week later, Doug had nearly filled his small notepad and had a terrible case of writer's cramp. Apparently he really did eat and eat! A small sandwich here, a slice of leftover pizza there. It all added up in the end, literally.

Doug tried to simply exercise to offset his eating, but this didn't help. He would try jogging on the treadmill but would somehow end up in the kitchen where he would eat and eat, starting with healthier foods like yogurt but then finishing up with ice cream or chips.

“No matter what I do, I can't help but eat and eat!” Doug cried.

“Let me take over the shopping for a while.” his girlfriend suggested. “I bet that will fix it”

“How?”

“You'll see.”

Desperate, Doug agreed.

The next morning Doug was horrified to discover that his fridge was filled with nothing but celery, carrots and lettuce. The cabinets were no better, completely devoid of cookies, chips or snack foods.

Doug still felt the urge to eat and eat whenever he was bored or nervous, but binging on celery or carrots was harder than junk food, and within a few weeks the habit was broken.

“We're not in Kansas anymore!” exclaimed Dorothy, holding Toto tightly. Toto didn't know what to think of this new place at all, and would have told his mistress as much if he could have spoken. His mistress put on some dead lady's slippers and soon had a wicked witch chasing after them. Toto resented the Cowardly Lion the moment he heard him speak; all other animals could talk here, so why couldn't Toto? It just wasn't fair.

When Dorothy and her motley crew ran into the flying monkeys who were the witch's henchmen, the strangest thing happened. They took one look at Toto and snatched him from his mistress.

“Bring Toto back! He's all I have left of home!” she cried. The monkeys ignored her.

Back at their lair, the monkeys all crowded around Toto. The monkeys could understand him, and this made Toto happy.

“Toto is all!” exclaimed an old grey monkey, bowing deeply. The other monkeys followed his example.

“Toto is all! Toto is all!” they chanted, bowing to the little dog.

When the witch ordered the monkeys to harm Dorothy, Toto stopped them. The witch was furious that they disobeyed.

“I told you to destroy that girl and her little dog, too! What's gotten into you?”

“Toto is all!” the monkeys replied.

“Toto is all? What is the meaning of this? I'll turn you into toads!” the witch hissed, casting a spell in their direction. “Now what do you have to say for yourselves?”

“Croak... Toto is all... croak!” replied the toads.

“I can see now that your loyalty to Toto is great. Perhaps I misjudged him due to his master stealing my shoes.” said the witch.

The monkeys were stupid enough to believe that the witch was being honest with them.

“Bring Toto to me, so I can talk with him about helping me rule my kingdom.”

The monkeys brought Toto before the witch, who dared not harm him in front of all of them. She silently cast a spell that made Toto unable to communicate with the monkeys, and then the witch pretended to talk to Toto.

“Toto says to go kill the girl and her friends.”

Toto barked and barked but the monkeys didn't understand. In desperation, Toto lifted his leg and peed on the witch.

“I'm melting! Help me, I'm melting!”

“Toto is all! Toto is all!” chanted the monkeys, bowing before the dog.

Toto used his new resources to help his mistress get back to Kansas, but he decided to stay behind. The cries of 'Toto is all!' had apparently went to his head.

Bryce was the best kid at national yo-yo tournaments. When asked how he achieved his incredible skill, he pondered for a moment.

“It's probably because I yo-yo all the time.”

And it appeared to be true; he was even performing tricks with his yo-yo during the interview.

“I practice all the time as well.” said another competitor. “You must have some sort of secret. I bet that yo-yo is rigged!”

“It's not. I yo-yo all the time, and that makes all the difference.”

“Do you practice with the yo-yo at school?”

“I yo-yo at school, yes. The teachers say I focus better when I yo-yo.”

“In the shower?”

“Yes. Any trick that I yo-yo in the shower is ten times easier later on.”

“During meals?”

“Certainly. Nothing makes for better single handed yo-yo control. I yo-yo during every meal.”

“In your sleep?”

“Don't be silly. I yo-yo only until I fall asleep; I've only used the yo-yo in my sleep twice that I know of. Sleepwalking is not too common in my family. With the exception of Uncle Fred, but he's a different story.”

“That's crazy! Don't you have a life?”

“I yo-yo because I enjoy it.”

“Well, that's fine while you're a kid, but what are you going to do when you're an adult? It'll be hard to go through life with a yo-yo addiction.”

Bryce continued to yo-yo all throughout school and college. His grades were so good that other college kids wanted to know his secret.

“I yo-yo.” Bryce would reply.

The other students tried it with little success.

When Bryce was an adult he used a yo-yo during business meetings. As his good decisions became legendary, others wanted to know the secret of his success.

“I yo-yo.” he would reply.

Others at the company tried it, but none saw the amazing success from it that Bryce did.

Bryce met his wife due to his yo-yo habit too. She saw him doing yo-yo tricks and couldn't help but ask him about it.

When Bryce became a father, he had three children. None of them had any skill with a yo-yo, and all of them sleepwalked frequently as well.

“It's their mother's side.” Bryce explained. “And besides, I yo-yo my way throughout life, but that doesn't mean I want them to. They could be labeled weirdos or something.”

Kay, who could move objects with her mind and fly, decided that it was time to do what anyone who had superpowers should do: save the world!

Kay studied all the comics and made a costume based on that research.

The opportunity for action came quickly when her neighbor's house caught on fire. Kay braved the flames and saved the family.

“Who are you? Kay?” they asked.

“No! I don't know who you're talking about!” she replied, muffling her voice. She flew away quickly.

“Honey, who was that?” asked the wife.

“I don't know, dear. Judging from the voice, someone who uses steroids.” he replied gravely.

“Oh. That is a shame.”

Kay couldn't figure out how people knew who she was. She had the required spandex and mask.

“That must have been a fluke.” Kay thought. “No one else will guess that I'm Kay.”

The next day a truck overturned on the highway. Kay arrived and righted the vehicle, and then pulled the driver out.

“Kay, who the hell are you dressed as?” asked the guy.

He was a boy who knew Kay from school.

“Kay? I don't know who you're talking about!” she said.

“Right. Who are you then?”

Kay hadn't chosen a heroic name for herself yet, so she just glared and flew away.

Paramedics arrived in time to see Kay take flight.

“Who was that?” they asked in disbelief.

“Um, not sure.” lied the boy.

“I just don't get it!” Kay thought to herself. “People should never be guessing who I am!”

Kay decided to modify the outfit to conceal her entire face. As she was trying on different masks her mother came into her room with the laundry. When she caught sight of Kay, she screamed and started attacking her.

“Who are you? Who?” she cried, slapping Kay senseless. Apparently, this was where Kay's super strength came from.

“Mom! I'm Kay! You should know that!”

“Kay? Who on earth wears a hockey mask in their room for fun? You look like a serial killer.”

“I'm trying to make sure no one can guess who I am when I save people.”

“Why not just use my old costume in the attic? No one will guess that you're Kay wearing that.

“Who knew that was up there? And who keeps something like that up in the attic?” asked Kay.

“Powers run in the family, dear. Who could be your sidekick? With brains like that, you'll need one!”